Firstly, can I say this 'review' will contain spoilers, only to highlight my disappointment in the film and the absurd nature of the storyline. Yes, I did indeed watch 'The Tourist', and I expected a bad, horrible movie, but what I got was something I did no quite expect...
Ok, surprise number 1 while watching the movie, was that sure, its abit silly, but I didnt think it was truly awful. It just had silly moments in, wasnt a great story, but it was fun. The the climatic end of the movie came...and it destroyed the whole film. The walls of the story began collapsing down on itself, sucking any logic from the narrative like a super massive plot hole.
I couldn't believe it. I was confused. Angry. I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about this ending, and then going through the film and how none of it made any sense. In essence, this horrible ending made me watch the film again in my head, where on second viewing the film is just stupid beyond belief. It's like it came to the end of the film and they just snorted some drugs and filmed whatever incomprehensible drivel that poured out of their high induced, empty minds.
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So here is the low down.
Angelina Jolie is the wife of this wanted man. Since Paul Bettany and his police don't know his whereabouts yet have extensive detail on him, they monitor her in hope they make contact. Jolie gets a note from her man and the adventure starts. As Jolie walks off, a man watching her and the police following her smiles as he walks away. Hmmm....her lover perhaps?
Anyway, Jolie boards a train. The note told her to mislead the police by finding a random guy around his height and build into thinking she is with her lover. Insert Johnny Depp, sitting in 2nd class all alone. He is flabbergasted that Jolie sits with him and he seems a nervous wreck. The converse, we find out Depp is a math teacher who's wife left him. Paul Bettany's spies are on the train and get a picture of Depp. They think he is their man! We fear for Depp!
Wait, false alarm. Police records show Depp is just a maths teacher whose wife died in a car accident. Kinda sad. He probably didnt tell Jolie because its sort of awkward.
Fastforward to Venice. Depp is just a tourist out of his depths, looking at his map confused. Jolie pulls up with a boat and offers him a ride, taking him to her hotel. Seems like theres a connection there from their train talk. His vulnerability has softened her heart and seems like she is fallen for him despite her love for her other man. However, when they check into the hotel, we see that mysterious man, watching her again, smiling as the two walk past him. Has her lover really set all this up?
Insert gangsters. Seems like this man stole alot of money from his boss who wants it back. The boss was like a father to him, so feels even more betrayed. They see Depp in Jolies hotel room and have their target.
Meanwhile Depp and Jolie and flirting. Jolie is stripping in the bedroom while Depp is on the other side of the door, longing to enter. The room I mean, but I guess metaphorically. Anyway, after Jolie telling him he should be more forceful in trying to get what he wants, he gives in and sleeps on the couch. She seems disappointed. Then suddenly he bursts in the room and kisses her passionately. But its a dream this time. Nuts. And that mysterious man left flowers for Jolie too, constantly reminded us and Depp she has another man. Poor Johnny.
Anyway, Jolie has left and gangsters are after him in the hotel room. A chase ensues only for Depp to get arrested, but at least he is safe from gangsters. As he explains the crazy story to the police, they lock him up, but at night, the police realize he isnt safe and tries to get him out. but poor Johnny, its a trap as he has a reward on his head. Luckily Jolie saves him, and boat chase later, everything is fine.
Jolie gives him money to get out of venice and leaves him. She then goes to Paul Bettany's police HQ revealing she is an undercover cop who has been caught up in this affair because she fell in love with that mysterious man who stole money from the gangsters and owes loads of tax. She says she will finally give Bettany her man because she is afraid Johnny Depp is in danger caught in the middle of all this.
So cut to a Ball where Jolie is to meet her fella and Bettany is waiting to swoop. The man gives Jolie a note where to meet him then wriggles away through the crowd. As Jolie pursuits, she is stopped by Depp. He didnt leave her and wants to dance with her, proving he can be the man she wants him to be. Eventually Jolie goes after her man saying she still loves him, and Paul Bettany apprehends Depp.
Jolie goes to meet her man at the safe, but he isnt there. However, the gangsters are! They figure if they threaten her, then they will get their man eventually. Meanwhile Bettany and Depp are forced to watch, waiting for this man to arrive. But he aint coming, and things are getting nasty, looks like the gangsters are going to kill Jolie. But Bettany is obsessed about getting his man. However, Depp cannot wait no longer for the Police to intervene and does so himself.
The gangster boss, who was like a father to him, obviously doesnt recognize him. Depp says he had surgery, but the boss still isnt convinced, everything is wrong. Jolie is adamant Depp is crazy and should leave not to get involved. Depp offers to open the safe if the boss lets Jolie go. Suicide! He doesnt know the code! And everyone knows it, as he calls his bluff and says open the safe or you both die.
Cue an agonizing long and slow walk towards the safe. Cue looks of worry from Jolie. Cue Bettany still waiting for his man to eventually walk through that door.
...
Then his supervisor enters, tells the snipers to fire, and kills the baddies!
HURRAY!
Phew, close call!
Paul Bettany is gutted the guy never came. Jolie and Depp embrace and are left alone. Johnny Depp then opens the safe.
WTF?!
Cut to outside, and Paul Bettany has caught his man! The mysterious guy giving messages to Jolie has finally been caught. But he says he was paid to fly around the world following Jolie to give her messages.
WTF!?
The police return to the safe to find a cheque for all the tax they are owned. Supervisor is pleased, case closed. Paul Bettany is stumped as he tries putting the pieces of the puzzle together. His expression reads...
WTF!?
Final scene Depp and Jolie riding off in a boat. Jolie mocking Depp's surgery.
WTF!?
The End.
WTF?!
Seriously.
Now none of that made sense. Reread that whole entire movie knowing what you know now. It makes no sense. Unless these people are incredible actors that act when no one is watching them, then seriously...WTF?!
Lets go back.
Why did Depp make up a story about his wife, and why do the police have a record of him with information about his wife dying? Why do we see him lost and confused in Venice? Why didnt he burst through the door and embrace Jolie at the hotel? Why did he have a dream about her wishing he wasnt so pathetic? Why is he just a bumbling nervous wreck throughout the film?
Now you could say maybe its all an act, afterall, she is an undercover cop, and they would be worried of constant surveillance. But then Jolie telling Depp to leave and giving up the man to Bettany made no sense. Especially for Depp just to surprise her at the Ball.
Alternatively, Jolie didnt know any of this, and Depp was testing her love for him (her mysterious lover the police wanted). So Depp is just a liar and manipulative, which Jolie admitting thats what she hated about lover. Still, it doesnt explain the odd couple of scenes from franks point of view by himself out of his depth, uneasy, unprepared, daunted etc.
Another idea is that Johnny Depp lied. He is still the tourist, and the mysterious man gave him the safe code. He tested Jolie's love and let her go off with Depp, rewarding her for sticking by him...seemingly, even though they didnt see each other for ages and she ran off with all his money.
See? You try finding solutions to the twist and you cant get an answer that makes sense.
WTF?!
Anyone who has any opinions and solutions, enlighten me.
